Air Guitar

This afternoon we were watching a highlight video from McKinley's baseball team, and the parent who put it together, put music to the video. One of the songs was by Van Halen, and as Eddie Van Halen played his face melting solo, I pulled out my trusty old air guitar and played along quite masterfully I thought. I was quickly pulled back down to earth by the cutting words of my 13 year old son, "Dad, Quit being lame!". It is official. I am no longer cool. I guess it is time to retire the ol' air guitar and start driving 10 miles per hour under the speed limit and start saying things like "Maybe I just need more fiber in my diet."
On a side note. The other day i saw a short story on the news about the Air Guitar national championships. I had no idea there was such a thing. I couldn't help but wonder if people actually took air guitar lessons, or go to an air guitar store. Can you imagine being backstage at such an event and hearing "Mr. Smith you are up next." and a guy dressed like the lead singer of Loverboy saying "Oh my gosh, I cant find my air guitar. I sat it down somewhere over here and now its gone!" I wonder if the winner got an air trophy or the real deal.
I think maybe sometimes we have air guitar worship. We can go through the motions and really think we are doing something, but in reality we are just being lame. There is no real substance. Just like an air guitar makes no noise, neither does empty worship. When we worship it should be as beautiful and genuine to God as Mr. Van Halen's ax grinding is to me. It is pouring yourself out before God. Giving Him your very best. Realizing who He is and what He has done for you and His everlasting love for us. Only then do we set down that air guitar and pick up that Fender Strat and start making a joyful noise.

Hell is in the Bible Grandma

I worked with a new temporary employee for the city on Friday. As I talked with him, I mentioned something about my time in Zambia (There is a real shocker:). He told me he was always scared of a preacher man. I wasn't for sure how to take that, but he went on to say he could probably handle it now that he was trying to get his ducks in a row. I proceeded to tell him how I chased ducks for a long time and could never get them in a line until I found Jesus and that any duck rows I had were all being held together by God and not me. He said that his grandmother was the only person of faith and source of religion in his family.He said she was practically her own church. He told me he used to aggravate her by saying "Hey granny Hell is in the Bible." "Did you know the word Hell was in the Bible Granny?" "I can say hell because it is in the Bible." He said she would finally say "Boy, you better shut yo mouth, you just wantin' to cuss!" She told him "Ass was in the Bible too, and he was acting like one."
I just happened to think later that there are a lot of things in the Bible that we just like to say, because it sounds good, or we know it is what we are suppose to say. Sometimes we are not too unlike a young child just saying things out of the Bible because we can, yet we have no more impact on our walk with God than saying "Hell" and then snickering. How about, love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Oh we can spout that off in Sunday School like a kindergarten kid who just mastered his ABC's, but do we really mean it or better yet practice it. I will confess that loving my neighbor as myself is a real challenge to me. I am not talking about the people next door, they are fine people, and it is not that I am overly in love with myself.(Although who could blame me.) It is just that we all tend to focus more on self, than on God and others, so we can quote that verse all day long, and it will not make a hill of beans difference unless we realize what that verse means, and act upon it. The Bible is full of great quotes and warm fuzzy feel good stuff, and we can quote them all day long, but if we are not putting it into practice, we are doing nothing more than saying "Hell is in the Bible, Grandma."

Man Church

I just finished reading an article in Homelife magazine about how today's churches do not appeal to men. I would have to say I agree. Do not get me wrong, I love my church and look forward to the worship and teaching every time I go. But sometimes I wish church could be a little more masculine. Jesus was kind and loving and forgiving and merciful and full of grace and gentleness, and I love that about Him and would never want to downplay that, but He also made a whip and assaulted the money changers in the temple. He called the Pharisees a generations of vipers, or sons of snakes, which is close to calling someone the son of a female dog. There is also the returning King with the fiery eyes and the big sword who will return and every knee will bow and every tongue will confess Jesus is Lord, and while Satan is on his knee confessing, he will be cast into the lake of fire and chained there for all eternity. How awesome is that? That is more manly than "We are Sparta!" and kicking some guy into a pit. I am a man, I want to here some man stories. Tell me about Elijah challenging the profits of Bale, then talking some smack, and eventually killing them all. Men don't want to join hands with the person next to them unless they are going arm wrestle. We don't want flowers and plants on the pulpit, we want big screen TVs or something to blow up or catch fire occasionally. I for one even get a little uncomfortable singing "You're all together lovely." or "Beautiful Savior" , "How beautiful is the body of Christ." Come on for crying out loud, where are the songs written for men like "Jesus rocks and He is going to kick the Devils butt one day and I am on His team!" Or "Act right, or I am going to make a whip and drive you out of the church"
Perhaps Brad Stine says it best when he says our society has tried to feminize everything including church. "I got in touch with my feminine side, I got married, I'm good. I got feminine side coming out my ears 24/7.
Books like "Wild at Heart" and others talk about how men are to be men and we do things differently for a God created reason, so it would only make sense that men and women worship and do church differently. Here are some manly suggestions.(please note the tongue is in the cheek):

• We should be able to throw our offering at a target in the front of the church and keep score for closest to the plate.
• Cage wrestling between the associate pastor and Pastor prior to all business meetings.
• A remote control that is capable of fast forwarding through the lady who sings the opera sounding song.
• Portable televisions made to look like Bibles just in case the Preacher gets a little long winded, you can check the score of the football game.
• Little alarm clocks that vibrate any time the word "Amen" is spoken, so in case you doze off during the sermon and the Preacher makes a really good point you can wake up and nod knowingly, or in case you fall asleep during that Pharisee prayer that goes on forever.
• Pyrotechnics!
• If you can't feel the bass drum in the praise and worship, turn that puppy up!
• Instead of flowers on the altar, have a tripped out 427 big block motor
• Come on with the tiny Lord's supper cups. Give me a half a loaf of unleven pita bread, and fat glass of welches finest. I know Jesus wasn't that stingy a his last meal.
• Turn to 2 or 3 people around you and ask them "Who are your picks for the final four?"
• Random pictures on the big screen of record Bass or whitetail deer.
• Concession stand
• Intermission to go out side and pass gas or grab a refreshment

O.K. that's enough. I would love to hear your ideas. I am not saying completely change the way we do church in America, but just remember we need to bring men back into the church, so it wouldn't hurt to maybe mix it up a little. maybe a good benediction would be a collective primal scream of "CHARGE!!!!" instead of "Go in peace, serve the lord."

Stewardship and my gas tank

OK. I know we are suppose to be good stewards of the earth God created, but come on, $4.00 a gallon gas. I keep seeing stories each night on the news about gas saving tips and more mileage for your buck. What about a poor sap like me who has been doing all these tips for 20 years just to get by? Throw me a bone like turn your gas gage upside down in your dash so it looks like your tank is filling up while you drive. Or how about outlawing drive-thrus? I wonder how much gas is wasted while people sit in line at a fast food joint or a bank. If people had to actually park and go in, it might make for a healthier country and save gas. Maybe we could eliminate junk mail from the postal system? How much extra weight is added to mail trucks and vehicles by junk mail no one reads? How much more weight is added to garbage trucks to hall off the tons of junk mail I through away each year.
Or here is an original idea; DRILL FOR OIL! WHILE WE RESEARCH AND DEVELOP OTHER ENERGY SOURCES. I saw a shirt the other day that said "I would drill through a polar bear's rear end if it had oil in it."
I also have heard about all this oil in Alaska, but apparently it is a caribou breading ground, and we don't need to disturb that. My lot where my house stands now was once a whitetail deer breeding ground. You know what? Come every November they are in my yard or close to it doing what deer do. Development where I live seems to make the deer thrive, I practically have to dodge them every morning on the way to work.
Call your representatives, senators, even the White House and tell them to drill for oil before Paul's family starves to death.